“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for. It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you are willing to risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you can live with failure,…
I am a single lady. *cue Beyonce’s single ladies song*.
I have never had a boyfriend. All I have had were what I call "almosts".
Almosts are what I define as : a guy who shows interest in me, hits me up on every freaking social media site, texts me 24/7, sits next to me at church (sometimes), and takes me out to coffee or dinner & politely pays every single time. Then it either ends with a DTR (me no likey you, he says), or it ends with an abrupt stop. No more calls, texts have stopped, social media “likes” have dropped, & it’s the awkward “oh snap I see you, now I have to run away from you” situation. So he’s a guy that was kind of, leading up to, sort of, almost my boyfriend.
today, my best friend posed the question “Monique. you’ve had guys like you. talk to you. and all of a sudden, just stop. DUDE. why IS that?”
Let’s get this straight: I’m not questioning my lack of a boyfriend/husband. I’m questioning "why is it always an almost with no resolution?”
If you haven’t heard Ariana Grande’s song “Almost is never enough”, now is the time to. I’m like.. “I CAN RELATE!! THAT’S MY JAM!!!!!”
After every “almost”, there were always these thoughts that danced around in my head:
"Am I boring?"
"Am I ugly?"
"Am I not smart enough?"
"Is this all my fault?" —- sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn’t.
"Is it because I’m not godly as he thought I would be?"
"Was it because he saw my real sinful self?"
"Is it because……..blah blah blah"
Some of these questions are silly ones. Ones that I realize I have no need to ask. Some of them are serious questions that I still don’t know the answer to but I trust, I eventually will.
The most important question that I HAVE recently been able to answer is this: “Why do I think I need to HAVE a resolution to every ‘end’ of an almost relationship?”
Answer: I don’t need to have an answer to “why did it stop the way it did” but rather, I have asked a new question & answered it myself: “What did you learn from this, Monique?”
I can list off every almost & the lessons the Lord has taught me because of them. I am thankful for all the heartache (I’m being dramatic, it wasn’t that bad looking back at it now) because they prove to me that God heals & He brings me joy. He fulfills me in a way NO one can. I am thankful for my friends who have been a support to keep me accountable & to keep me encouraged.
I’m not saying that my loneliness is killing me. *cue Britney Spears’ song*
I’m not mad at any of my almosts (although there were a couple I was mad at, but the Lord has dealt with me & I have learned to forgive). I’m not questioning my worth because I was “rejected”. I’m not desperate to give my heart to any guy that offers to take care of it. I’m not bitter.
Now listen to “Love is Waiting” by Brooke Fraser. Love is waiting. Love shouldn’t be awakened if it’s not the Lord’s time. I am happy. I am content. I am loved by GOD & in turn can love the people He has already given me : my family, my friends, the church, & the strangers around me. I am waiting. I am being still.
Will there be more almosts in the future? I don’t know. My hope is no. I would like to meet him finally (if the Lord even has that planned for me). But if there will be more almosts, I pray that I deal with it with grace.. with love.. with kindness.. with forgiveness.. with wisdom.
If there will be NO ONE at all in this lifetime — I can be confident & say that I am content & will be content. Will it be hard? Sure, there will be moments. but the Lord’s grace overcomes all my doubts & fears, & feelings of “loneliness” with His infinite love. He showers me with love that is evident in my family & friends. & I know ERRBODY says that but it’s true!!!! I’m glad that I can laugh at all the single jokes with my best friends & find it funny. GEEZ marriage and dating shouldn’t define who you are, how you should feel, etc.
Here are some things I learned that I hope to pass on to encourage others:
- If an almost didn’t result in a bf/marriage —- that is exactly what the Lord wants. Before time even began, before creation was created, before anything at all — Jesus knew who He would create, who He would save — & He knew & still knows who will get with who. I hate the cheesy line “God is writing my love story” because in reality, it’s already written. You just haven’t gotten there yet.
- STOP questioning yourself why it didn’t work out. It didn’t because God didn’t allow it to. He’s trying to TEACH YOU. don’t be stubborn. Learn & move on.
- Stop being mad at the person that stopped pursuing you (if you’re a girl) or responding to you (if you’re a guy). Don’t be bitter if they are the ones that ended up in happy relationships/marriage. Again, focus on THIS IS THE LORD’S PLAN. and FYI, God’s plan doesn’t and never will revolve around YOU. (it may not have been “your happy ending”, but that doesn’t mean that your almost shouldn’t get one).
-don’t manipulate situations to get people to notice you. To look your way. To trick them into anything. That’s embarassing. & it’s you takin matters into your own hands instead of trusting God. Every action you make has a motive behind it. Let it be a godly one. Not a selfish one.
- Be prepared for either gift — whether it be marriage or singleness. BOTH are gifts. and you can honestly be gifted with either one. Cherish it. God is using it to mold you into Christlikeness.
- TV show love, movie love, chick flicks, love songs aren’t reality. I mean of course there are exceptions & all that & they can be all cute. but real love is Biblically based. that’s pretty self-explanatory.
- Take dating & marriage seriously. It frustrates me that people date around or lead people on (some almosts are a result of that). Marriage isn’t a joke. It’s a choice to first like someone. It’s a choice to love someone (day in & day out, good & bad, beautiful & ugly). It’s a choice to get married. It’s a choice to bear that person’s burdens on top of your own. It’s a choice to serve them above yourself. Choices that the Lord has planned. But choices none the less. GUYS be wise with who you ask out. GIRLS be wise with who you respond to.
There’s so much more that can be said about what I’ve gone through & what advice I can share based off of that. But really, the Lord is teaching us all individually too.
I hope you’re learning to seek wisdom from the Lord in regards to all things.
“They were at a party with friends, the room lit with a soft glow from candles that littered the table and warmed with the laughter of all who were there. For a moment, as everyone was swept away in the charm of the season, they looked at each other. She loved the glint in his eye, as if to say “I only see you,” and he loved the way she smiled, as if everything they had ever loved led to that moment. Each smile she sent him seemed to remind him of a future that had not happened yet, but would come to pass.”—[T.B. LaBerge] (via everlytrue)
I am thankful. Not just because today is Thanksgiving, but because there is simply a lot to be thankful for.
For my family. my friends. my church. my jr highers. my job. that I am undeservingly redeemed. that Jesus not only died for my sins, but lives to conquer death. my eternal hope is in Him. seriously a lot to be thankful for.
I am thankful for all the good. But I am also thankful for all the bad. all of which works out for my good & for God’s glory in the end, EVERY TIME. here is an example of “the bad” that has become “good.” (all within a span of… 10 hours)
Today, my character was questioned. I have been deemed to be unwise & immature. and that I try too hard to be godly.
Was I taken aback? yes. I was. and throughout the day, I was reevaluating myself. I was questioning my heart. my motives. specific experiences, decisions, & I prayed.
And that led me to realize the value of accountability with my best friends. They are people that actually love you, know you, pray for you, exhort and encourage you. They are the ones that have any right to pour into your life. To encourage you when you show fruits of godliness, and to exhort you when you show attitudes of your fallen flesh. I texted all 3 of my best friends regarding the question, and they came up with the same conclusion. “Monique, you have grown and matured. and you always rebuke drama and immaturity.”
the one who questioned me was someone that I knew once before, but don’t know intimately right now.
And it saddens me to think that this happens a lot within the Christian community. People question other people. People getting jealous of other people. Causing drama & quarrels. Creating tension and uneasiness. Gossiping & ignoring.
When I came home from having lunch with my family, I went to Philippians and read the whole book. one of my go-tos when I’m caught up with struggling to be humble & loving toward a fellow believer.
Philippians 3:12-16 says “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me His own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining toward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained.”
If you read John MacArthur’s commentary on this, Paul is basically trying to say, he ain’t perfect. But he is trying to be godly. and to be godly means to stop dwelling on the past sins & failures; but to strive for maturity & Christlikeness. move on!!
And I’m with Paul on this. That’s what I’m trying to be. and my best friends & family (those who know me in & out) can attest that they have seen me be super stupid & immature, but have now seen me grow. I’m not trying to prove a point and get “godly points”. I'm trying to show that GOD is the one who causes us to grow. When He allows trials to come, how we respond to it (it's either wisely or not), that can bring forth growth or chastisement and your need to grow.
I was so worried this morning. I was mad. I was sad. I was confused. I was surprised.
But tonight, I am thankful. Sometimes, our faith needs to be rocked. Sometimes our characters will be questioned. Sometimes we will need to be humbled & reevaluate where we are at in our faith & in our friendships.
I sought accountability & honesty from my best friends & from my family. And they have assured me, that although there were countless times that I’ve been immature and unwise…. God’s grace has proven that I’ve grown to be wise & mature. and it’s not anything that I should boast. it’s all about Jesus.
HE IS THE ONE COMPLETING the work in me. (Philippians 1:6) And if you are questioning my character based off of personal opinion or resentment, you’re ultimately questioning God’s sovereignty and ability to change someone.
so friends, PLEASE do not judge others. Please do not let emotions, past experiences, etc cause disunity with one another. Please seek one another in love. Please forgive. Please strive to be humble. Please seek to act like Christ when going through any tough situation.
I confess my weaknesses in all of these. But I loudly profess that God gives us the strength to choose to do these things.
If you’re professing to be a believer. that’s what we are called to do. choose Christ. hold on to the truth. seek love.